Fear
by Obi the Kid
Summary: Pre-TPM. Non-slash. The repercussions of a mission gone wrong, causes Qui-Gon to lose trust in the Force.


Please forgive any typos in this story. I've been trying to find time to give it one last proof read before I posted it, but there's just not enough hours in the day lately. :D So, here ya go!   
  
TITLE: Fear  
  
AUTHOR: Obi the Kid (hlnkid@aol.com)  
  
RATING: PG  
  
SUMMARY: Pre-TPM. Non-slash. The repercussions of a mission gone wrong, causes Qui-Gon to lose trust in the Force.   
  
FEEDBACK: Yes, please.  
  
ARCHIVE: Ask me first.  
  
MY WEBSITE: http://www.angelfire.com/movies/obithekid/  
  
DISCLAIMER: The characters and venue of Star Wars are copyrighted to Lucas Films Limited. The characters not recognizable from this venue are copyrighted to Tracy C. Knight. The story is the intellectual property of Tracy C. Knight and is copyrighted to her. She makes no profit from the writing or distribution of this story.  
  
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Fear  
  
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I found Obi-Wan sitting in the common area of the apartment that he and his master shared. He was quiet and alone. He sat silently watching the still figure on the balcony as he had done for the past three evenings. Patiently he waited for some sign that things would return to what they had been before the mission to Dalon IV. The mission that had destroyed his master's will and his trust in turning to the Force when all else was lost.   
  
My heart went out to them both. I hadn't seen the official reports from the mission briefing, but Obi-Wan had spoken with me for two hours the day they'd returned and provided every detail he could remember. All the while, Qui-Gon had positioned himself just out of hearing range in the next room. Few words he'd spoken, although we asked the questions. The apprentice told me of the mind torture that the Dalonians had forced Qui-Gon to bear. The physical torture that accompanied it, although painful initially, was causing him few problems now. But his mind was and is a much more difficult recovery. They had used the Force against him. Manipulating it until they could control his every thought and feeling. In his mind, Qui-Gon witnessed the brutal beating and death of his apprentice at hands of the Dalon renegades. In his mind, he watched as I became the next victim. The torture laid on my body lasting over a day until finally I took my last breath. These images were replayed over and over in Qui-Gon's mind until the enemy had satisfied their hate towards the Jedi.  
  
Obi-Wan told me that when they finally released Qui-Gon, the horrific images that he had lived with in the week he was held captive, were thrust through their shared bond. Obi-Wan was witness to everything that Qui-Gon had been a victim of. It took several hours on the transport home for Qui-Gon to realize that Obi-Wan was indeed alive and had not been slaughtered as in his visions. When I saw Qui-Gon for the first time after he returned, the look of relief on his face was immediate. I was alive and unhurt. A brief embrace and he touched my face gently with his fingers. After that he withdrew. And now he sits alone on the balcony for hours at a time. Afraid to reach for the Force. Afraid to ask for help. Afraid of the torment that was reaped on his mind.  
  
I sat down next to Obi-Wan and put my hand on his knee.   
  
"Has he said anything to you today?" I asked, motioning towards the balcony.  
  
"Just a few words. I tried to talk to him...about anything. But he just walks away. I did manage to convince him to eat. But I had to promise him that I wouldn't ask him any more questions today." Obi-Wan paused to take several deep breaths. I could tell that this was upsetting him. He wasn't used to being shut out completely by his mentor. It made him uneasy. And it scared him. "He's afraid to reach out to the Force. I haven't been able to feel him since those first hours on our way home. I keep telling myself that this will get better. That he just needs time to get past this. But with each hour, I'm not so sure. I talked to Healer Terran today. He wants Master Qui-Gon to come and talk to him. I don't think I should mention that to him though. It's liable to pull further away from me. It's uncomfortable enough around here already."  
  
I can feel the pain radiating from the boy. He's at a complete loss as to what to do for his master. Afraid to hurt him further. Obi-Wan is still young. Barely eighteen years old. It's not his place to be the comforter. But he longs to be. Longs to do whatever he can to help the tortured soul that sits alone beyond his reach.   
  
"Master Bren, maybe you can help me get through to him. Maybe together we can show him that it's okay to open up. That what happened to him...I...I don't know what else to do. I've never seen him like this. So...afraid."  
  
Obi-Wan's voice broke slightly and I took the arm that was on his knee and draped it around him, pulling him close. He leaned his head onto my shoulder and let out a deep breath he'd been holding.   
  
"It's okay, Obi-Wan. It'll be okay. Perhaps you're right and the two of us together can get him to come out of his shell. Right now, I need to make sure that you are okay. Have you eaten today?"  
  
He nodded then spoke softly, his head buried in my shoulder. "I had breakfast."  
  
"That's all? Obi-Wan you need to eat. And from the looks of those circles under your eyes, you need to sleep. Come on." I encouraged him up from the couch and towards the kitchen. "Get something in your stomach. Then I want you to rest for a while."  
  
"I need to be here. In case he needs me."  
  
"I know you do. But you need rest. I'll keep an eye on him while you sleep. I promise."  
  
"Okay," he agreed numbly before reaching into a cabinet for something edible.   
  
~*~  
  
A few hours later, the sun began it's dip behind the distant buildings. Qui-Gon was still sitting alone. Staring off into the distance. His thoughts unknown to anyone but himself. I had finally convinced Obi-Wan to at least attempt sleep and he stretched out on the couch, his head on a small pillow that lay in my lap. If I have to look after them both through this ordeal, I will. But I know the boy will be okay. As for Qui-Gon. Well as of right now, I'm not sure about my friend. He's strong and stubborn. Obi-Wan gets both of those traits from him. But I don't know if his mind will allow him to move past what has happened. I've been watching him carefully. He moves every so often to readjust his position on the bench. But he made no move to communicate.   
  
Eventually, some time after the sun finished it's descent, he wandered in from the outside.   
  
He paused briefly to glance at his sleeping apprentice, passed me a haunted look and retreated to his bedroom.   
  
For the next several days, this was the pattern. At the very least, he was eating. Obi-Wan and I were at least grateful of that.  
  
~*~  
  
By the end of the week, Qui-Gon was still withdrawn. Obi-Wan had exhausted himself with worry since this entire episode began and was worn down. He was not well. I could sense the beginnings of the illness days ago, but by that time, there was nothing we could have done to prevent it's onset. Right now, we just had to ride it out.   
  
The last day of that week was the worst for the boy. He spent half the day nauseas and vomiting. I spent half the day looking after him. Qui-Gon was oblivious to all around him. So I decided to approach him.  
  
I realized I might regret invading his space right now, but his apprentice needed the comfort of his master. Perhaps the boy's suffering would make something in Qui-Gon's warring mind click into place.  
  
Coming up behind him, I put a hand on his shoulder. He jumped at the unexpected touch.  
  
"Qui-Gon, it's time you come back into the world. You've been hiding long enough. You need to confront this and move beyond it."  
  
He shook his tired head. "Bren...please. Don't start. I have to do this at my own pace. I cannot just pretend that this didn't happen. Let me do this my way."  
  
Stubborn. Always stubborn. "You've been doing that for over a week now." I paused before bringing his padawan into the picture. "Obi-Wan is ill. He's caught some virus. He's been very sick most of the day."  
  
Qui-Gon turned his head quickly towards me and his eyes meet mine. The concern in his face was not surprising. But to be honest, I hadn't expected such a reaction with the mood he had fallen into.  
  
"How is he?"  
  
"Tired. He's been so worried about you that he wasn't looking after himself. I took him to the healers today. Terran said his body is exhausted. And that's depressed his immune system enough so that this virus could grab hold. The virus is nothing extremely serious, but he's   
  
in a lot of discomfort today. I've done what I can, but he needs his master."  
  
He hung his head and covered his face with his hands. To my surprise, he began to let his raw feelings become vocalized. "I've let him down. I've let you down. Everyone. I...can't control my fear, Bren. And it's scaring me to death. I know what I saw was not real. I   
  
know that now. But I can't seem to put the pieces of my mind back together."  
  
By this time, I had taken a seat next to him and encouraged him, with just my presence, to continue to talk.   
  
"I saw you. Obi-Wan. Everyone I've ever loved. Friends. All killed before me. Over and over again. Until I didn't need the actual dreams anymore to see it. It was all implanted into my mind. When I woke. When I slept. It's all I saw. It's all I still see. I see you sitting here now, and...it's almost not real. Because I saw you die. Every detail is engrained. Every sound. Your last words. Obi-Wan's last cries for everything to end. I...I can't deal with this. I can't forget. It lives with me. Lives in my mind. Moment by moment. I'm scared, Bren. Terrified. I don't know what to do..."  
  
His body gave out when his voice did and he leaned into my waiting arms. I held him for a long time. Every few minutes he released a deep shuddering breath. He clung to me as if his life depended on it. Perhaps right now, it did. "It'll be all right, Qui-Gon. We can get past this. Together we can."  
  
Silence came over us for a while. I thought that Qui-Gon might have fallen asleep in my arms, but he was only resting. His eyes half closed. It wasn't until I heard a loud noise from inside that I diverted my attention away from him. Obi-Wan.  
  
"Qu-Gon, I need to check on Obi-Wan."   
  
He slowly moved himself from my embrace and into an upright position. He stood taller today than he had in over a week. He and I moved inside to find Obi-Wan returning from the bathroom. His face hollow and his stomach cramping. An arm he held over it.   
  
I was quickly to his side. "Obi-Wan?"  
  
"It's okay. I just shouldn't have eaten that soup."  
  
Despite his ill state, Obi-Wan smiled at the sight of his master standing there next to Bren.   
  
"Master?"  
  
"Padawan, you look horrible."  
  
"I feel worse. Are you...are you okay, Master?"  
  
"No, but I would like to start towards being okay. You should be in bed, Obi-Wan. The couch is no place for you."  
  
"I wanted to be close by. In case...you needed me."  
  
I could feel myself grinning as the two began to reach out for each other.   
  
"I do need you, Padawan. And I will as I struggle to get through this."  
  
The fear still held Qui-Gon's eyes. There was a panic there that I'd never seen in all the years I had known him. This was just a beginning. It would take a great deal of patience from all of us to help Qui-Gon through this trauma.   
  
Obi-Wan had forged a makeshift bed on the couch these past days. A place where he could rest but also be there for his master. I could see the nauseas feelings welling up in the apprentice and he quickly sat down to try and quell them. He stretched his aching legs out and pulled the blanket up around his chest. The virus had progressed it seemed as Obi-Wan's eyes and face began to shine with fever. Qui-Gon knelt next to him for a short moment.  
  
"Padawan?"  
  
"It's okay, Master," he said as he began to shiver slightly with chills that had come on suddenly. "Terran said it'll get better in a few days. Just a virus."  
  
"I should have been looking out for you since we got home. Not dwelling on things that I cannot control. Dwelling on my fear. I'm sorry, Obi-Wan."  
  
The chills became more pronounced now and Obi-Wan was fighting to stay warm. Qui-Gon looked up at me, a controlled panic in his face.  
  
"Bren, did you speak with Terran? Should these symptoms be appearing so quickly?"  
  
I did my best to reassure him. "I did speak with him. This is all normal with this illness. The symptoms can appear and disappear without warning. Sudden."  
  
He turned his attention back to his apprentice. Taking the smaller hand in his own. "I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. So sorry."   
  
Then he stopped and began squeezing Obi-Wan's hand until it was becoming painful for the boy. Eyes haunted, Qui-Gon was looking beyond the shaking form on the couch. Beyond anything that was in the room. He was remembering...reliving his nightmare on Dalon. The brutal deaths of those he loved played out before him over and over.  
  
Obi-Wan cried out in pain at the crushing grip on his hand. But it took several minutes to shake his master back into the present. "Master! Please."  
  
"Qui-Gon!"   
  
Finally he shook his head and seemed, for the moment, to be refocused. But he wasn't settled and his breathing was labored. Quickly, he released Obi-Wan's hand. Then he vanished into the bathroom. Obi-Wan rubbed his hand absently and gave me a look that I'll never forget. The pleading blue-green eyes and slightly panicked breaths...I could not ignore.   
  
"I'll see to him, Obi-Wan. You stay put. Let me get you a second blanket. You're freezing."  
  
I pulled a large blanket off of the back of a nearby chair and tucked it around the young Jedi.  
  
"He's not okay, Master Bren. I thought maybe this was a positive step, but he's retreated again. The memories and fear are still controlling him."  
  
"This was a positive step. It may not seem like it right now, but he's opened up a bit. Now we just have to keep him from hiding. I'll be back."  
  
~*~  
  
Qui-Gon was in the bathroom, standing in front of the mirror, his hands stretched out and placed on either side of the sink. He was doing everything in his power to calm his breathing and settle his nerves.   
  
"You saw it again. Our deaths. Those images they put in your head."  
  
He only nodded as he splashed his face with cold water.  
  
"You've taken a small step, Qui-Gon. That's exactly what needs to happen. Small steps. One at a time."  
  
His eyes closed as he ran a towel over his face. "Is Obi-Wan all right?"  
  
"Not really. He's sick and he's scared for you. But he'll do okay. I don't plan on leaving anytime soon. You both need someone."  
  
"Thank you, Bren."  
  
He brushed my face with a single finger and it was then that I saw the depths of exhaustion in his features.   
  
"Qui-Gon, you are drained. You need to lie down a while. And don't argue with me on this. Obi-Wan is resting. You should be as well. It will help you come to terms with everything. Sleep can do wonders."  
  
Shaky steps he took as we made our way back into the common area. We stopped before the smaller couch. The chills were now severe and Obi-Wan was curled on his side, his teeth chattering quietly. He moaned every few seconds as the aches became pains and tore through his body.   
  
Qui-Gon forced himself to the boy's side again. The last time, he'd lost his battle with fear. This time, seeing the pain that Obi-Wan was going through...it began to trigger the images again. Images of Obi-Wan's slow and pain-filled death. Qui-Gon mumbled to himself, denying the memories and trying to force them aside.  
  
"No...it didn't happen. Obi-Wan is here with me now. He's alive. Can't let them rule my thoughts...my feelings...my terror...Obi-Wan. Obi-Wan, I'm here. I'm here."  
  
A gentle hand caressed the young padawan's forehead and ran through his hair.  
  
Something happened then. Qui-Gon cried out and pulled away. I could only guess from the words that he began muttering, that Obi-Wan had tried to connect with him through their bond. A request for support. A cry for comfort. Yet it only served to alarm and startle Qui-Gon. He retreated from Obi-Wan's side. Trembling. On the verge of losing the small control that he'd fought so hard to regain.  
  
He fled to the larger couch that set across the room from where Obi-Wan was. Head in his hands, he slowly rocked himself back and forth, desperate to find some assemblance of his sanity. Obi-Wan had only sought comfort. But the simple touch to his mind was enough to bring all his fears once again to the front of his mind.   
  
Immediately I was at his side. Sitting down next to him and rubbing a hand in a soothing motion on his back. I felt his muscles began to relax just a bit as he took deep breath after deep breath. He then said the words that he feared.  
  
"Bren...I'm...I'm scared to touch the Force. I...I fear it. I am terrified of it. I thought it was just the images I was scared of...but it's the Force. They made it my enemy. Made me hate it. It turned on me. The one thing I could always trust...that would always be honest...turned against me." An eerie silence followed. Lasting several minutes before he continued. "They did their job well. They trained me to no longer trust the Force by using you and Obi-Wan and my friends as victims. Because I know the Force would never allow those horrors to happen to you or to Obi-Wan. But it did allow it. I trusted it to keep you safe. To keep Obi-Wan safe. The Force turned on me. And they made sure that I would turn on the Force."  
  
"Qui-Gon. Those things didn't happen to Obi-Wan or myself. It was all planted in your mind. The Force did not betray your trust. It was only made to seem that way. Their ways of torturing you were efficient. And they discovered how to break a Jedi without using physical abuse as the predominant method. The Dalonians are stronger in the dark-side of the Force than the council was led to believe. You were a test subject to them. The test worked."  
  
"I haven't touched the dark side, but I've felt it. I know I have in these past days. This could push me to close to it if I can't get myself together. If I can't get past this. I don't know how to do this...I can't do this...alone."  
  
And just as I did a short time ago on the balcony, I reached out to Qui-Gon when he was not able to reach any further. "You won't be alone," I said gently as I pulled him to me and covered him in an embrace. "You have me. You have Obi-Wan. We'd never let you do this alone. Never. It scares us too, Qui-Gon. Seeing your soul so tormented. And it hurts. It'll be okay, in time. We won't leave you alone in your struggle."  
  
In all our years as friends, I had never seen Qui-Gon cry. But now, for the first time I can remember, he did. I held him as tight as I could, wishing that for a moment at least, his mind would be at peace. And as his quiet sobs softened, I glanced across the room. Obi-Wan was there, curled into the blankets, his concerned eyes locking with my own. I smiled just a bit and he tried to return the gesture with only a short look. I mouthed the words 'it's okay' to him as I kept a secure hold on his master. Obi-Wan put his head back down on the pillow and tried to close his eyes. Trying to find the sleep that was so elusive. It seemed the best he could manage was a few moments of rest. The chills and aches working together to keep him conscious. I wanted nothing more than to go to him, sit by his side and try and sooth the sickly feelings he felt. Worry for his teacher and his own illness had taken their toll on him. And I knew his own mind was crying out for comfort as well. But I could not bring myself to pull away from Qui-Gon. He was so lost. So afraid.   
  
~*~  
  
Late into the night, Qui-Gon gave into sleep. Unable to hold himself awake any longer, he settled into my arms and rested quietly. His breathing soft and for a short time at least, he was able to push the fears away. I dared not move from the couch. Things were so   
  
calm right now, I didn't want to take a chance in upsetting that feeling. I turned my head towards the other couch. Obi-Wan was still restless. I could see, even from this distance that the boy was hot with fever. The passing hours only inflaming the situation. His breaths were ragged and his eyes closed tightly in pain every few minutes. Yet in all his discomfort and need to have someone look out for him, he never once complained or asked for help. His weary mind realizing that Qui-Gon's situation was more dire than his own. A virus would come, run it's course and be gone. What his master was going through would take more than just a few days of suffering. Still, the boy needed someone. Someone to tell him that it would be okay. Someone to cool his forehead while the fever continued it's rage. A supportive hand nearby to let him know he was not alone.  
  
I stayed as I was. It was Obi-Wan who moved. I whispered to him to stay put, but there has always a determined streak in him. I followed him with my eyes as he carefully dragged his ailing body to the kitchen, holding on to anything around him in order to stay vertical. When he returned, he held a large cup and a small, white cloth in one hand. He collapsed into a sitting position on the couch, sipped the liquid in the cup, then placed it on the table before him. He lay back, used the cloth to blot his face with cool water before laying it on his forehead and trying to close his eyes again. The effort exhausted him and I heard his labored breathing become louder until he settled.   
  
Curled into his blanket, his body shivering in cold, he managed a short conversation.   
  
"How is he?"  
  
"Quiet for now."  
  
I knew Obi-Wan harbored some guilt in this. His attempt to connect with Qui-Gon through their bond a few hours ago seemed to have pushed the man past his limits. Obi-Wan had no way of knowing the kind of reaction that reaching out to his master would have. The boy was worried that he'd caused only more harm to the older knight.   
  
"I didn't mean for this to happen. I just wanted to try and comfort him. But I pushed him away. I pushed him to this." Obi-Wan's teeth chattered the entire time he spoke and the emotions rolled through him.  
  
"Obi-Wan, you did nothing wrong. We didn't know how he would react. But now we do know. We know of his fears in touching the Force. His inability to trust it right now. In a way, you may have helped the situation. It forced him to confront what he was feeling towards the Force. It's a beginning. That's all we can hope for at the moment. One step at a time. Just like I told him earlier. That goes for you as well." I tried to get my words to sound as non-threatening as possible. Obi-Wan was in no state to be spoken to harshly. So I directed the conversation towards his own situation. "Your fever is up, isn't it?"  
  
He nodded shortly.   
  
"I'm sorry, Obi-Wan. I should be helping you. You shouldn't be up doing things on your own right now. I'm just afraid if I get up, I'll disturb the peace that he's be able to find. And if I wake him, I don't know if he'll be able to find it again."  
  
"S'okay. I'm okay. Master Qui-Gon is more important right now. He needs you."   
  
The words were brave, but I knew they were also a plea for help. He was so worn, so drained, he didn't have the energy to put up a fight for his own case. Face shining with sweat, Obi-Wan shifted his concentration to settling his stomach and battling the heat that had taken over his body.  
  
~*~  
  
Morning. The sharp rays of the early sunlight shone through the window and brought me awake. I worked quickly to shake the sleep from my eyes and check on my friends. Qui-Gon was stretched out on the couch. His head on my lap. He was a bit restless, but still asleep. Obi-Wan was sitting in a semi-upright position, hugging a pillow to his chest and groaning softly. We shared no formal bond, but I could feel that the pain had intensified since last night. The fever had intensified. I had to see to him. I couldn't let him suffer alone like this any longer.   
  
As carefully as I could, I moved from one couch to the other. Sitting at the boy's side, I felt the fire from his heated body. If it was this uncomfortable for me, I didn't want to imagine what it was like for Obi-Wan. I put a hand on his forehead. He stirred.   
  
"Obi-Wan. You're getting worse. I'm going to call Terran and have him look at you."  
  
"No...s'okay...m'okay now."  
  
"No, you're not. Don't waste your energy arguing with me. You won't win. I think we need to get you into a cool bath. But let me call the healers first."  
  
His weak protests lasted for only a few more seconds and I moved to the comm panel and put a call in to Master Healer Terran Va'lor.  
  
~*~  
  
A concerned Healer Terran arrived just moments after I called him. He was at Obi-Wan's side at once as I explained how things has proceeded the last twenty-four hours. The main worry the healer had was with the dangerous fever that the boy was running. Everything else was seen as secondary.   
  
"Bren, go fill the tub with cool water. Not cold. I don't want his system shocked. But the fever needs to come down or I'll put him up in the medical ward until it does. And I know he doesn't want that right now. Let me know when the bath is ready."  
  
I hurried to the bathroom and tested the water with my fingers as the tub began to fill. Terran came in supporting almost all of Obi-Wan's weight. Together we stripped him and slowly lowered him into the bath. His protests were weak and after a few minutes the water's cooling affect on his body began to settle him. He was half conscious now. Drifting in and out. My heart ached as he called out softly for his master several times. I did my best to play substitute. As I washed his hair out and cooled his face, I wondered where Terran had gone off to. Most likely to check on Qui-Gon.  
  
And sure enough, several minutes later, the healer came back into the bathroom.   
  
"I gave Qui-Gon a sedative. From what you told me, he's not slept much at all recently. But he's opened up to you somewhat. If we can get his body rested and recovered, his mind will be easier to tackle."  
  
"And if we can get Obi-Wan healthy. One less thing for Qui-Gon to have to worry about."  
  
"Right. How's my young patient doing anyway?"  
  
I gave a short smile. "I think he's really taken to his bath. He's not sure of all going on around him right now, but it's working to quiet the fever."  
  
"Good. We want to get him into some clean and comfortable clothes and into his own bed."  
  
I left to raid the boy's bedroom, finding a pair of his exercise clothes. Much softer than the regular Jedi tunics. Terran and I got him out of the tub, dried off, dressed and into his bed. He called out again for Qui-Gon. I took his hand and tried to comfort him as Terran injected a sedative into his arm.  
  
"Give his body a chance to relax without fighting the virus. The bath did it's job. His skin is cooler. Still feverish, but much more within reason. I want to see how he progresses through the day. If he gets worse again, I'll take him in."  
  
We wandered back into the common area where Qui-Gon was under the influence of the sedative. Terran watched him sadly.  
  
"Qui-Gon. I've spoken with Mind Healer Johar about him. And I would like Qui-Gon to talk to him. But we'll do things slowly. As long as he's making some kind of progress, then we are moving in the right direction. For now, keep up whatever you're doing. He trusts you and trust is something he's not had much of since he's returned home. Obi-Wan might be the key in getting him to trust in the Force again. If Obi-Wan can encourage Qui-Gon to link with him, that can be a huge step to beginning to trust in the Force again."  
  
I agreed with him, but I had also seen Qui-Gon's reaction when his apprentice tried to do just that. "Terran, he's scared to death of it. Obi-Wan made just a slight prod to Qui-Gon's mind and it really shook him hard. I don't know..." He cut me off in mid-sentence.  
  
"I know. And it's liable to be traumatic for him the next time and the next. The last time his mind was invaded, everything was turned against him. It's only natural that he rebel from it. But he will have to learn to trust again. And until I can convince him to speak with Healer Johar, I want you and Obi-Wan working with him. I want Obi-Wan to try and link with him again."  
  
"That's not a good idea..."  
  
"When Obi-Wan is feeling up to it, I want him to try it again. But this time let Qui-Gon know that it's coming. Let him prepare himself. He'll be expecting something painful...invading. Perhaps frightening. And it might be seen that way to him. However, I think if Obi-Wan is careful and not demanding, Qui-Gon will eventually see the invasion as a non-threat. If he can accept his apprentice, trust him in that way, then I believe he will come to trust the Force again."  
  
Terran was right. As I had told both Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan before, small steps. One at a time. I suddenly felt a bit more confident that we could break through Qui-Gon's fears and start him on a path to recovery.   
  
"Okay, I have other patients to look in on. I'll be back later to see how Obi-Wan is doing. If his fever spikes again, you call me immediately. They'll both sleep for a couple hours so you might want to use that time for yourself. If you need anything, call me."  
  
With a quick smile he was out the door. I checked on Obi-Wan briefly. Placed a hand on his forehead. Warm. Not hot. A good sign. Maybe the fever was under control. He seemed at peace so I left to check on his master. Qui-Gon was quiet as well.   
  
Knowing I had to take advantage of this, I hurried back to my own quarters for a meal, a shower and a change of clothes. I was back to their apartment within two hours. Just in time to hear Obi-Wan's groans as he woke.  
  
I sat on the edge of his bed, feeling his face with the back of my hand. His cloudy eyes opened and found my face. But it took him several minutes to focus with any kind of clarity.   
  
"Hi."  
  
"Master Bren? Where am I? What's going on?"  
  
"Shh, just relax. Terran was here. We stuck you in the tub to bring your fever down and get you cleaned up. You're in your bedroom now. I think you sleep better in here than on that old couch. That thing has got to be thirty years old. I bet Qui-Gon had that when he was a knight."  
  
A minor victory. A brief smile. Albeit a confused one.   
  
"Where is Master Qui-Gon?"  
  
"Still out there." I motioned towards the other room. "Terran gave you both a sedative. How do you feel?"  
  
"Okay. Just tired. A little nauseas. I'm not as hot though."  
  
"Good. You had me very worried for a while. Once you are strong enough, Terran would like you to try and link with your master again."  
  
"No. No, I can't. I don't want to hurt him like that again. I can't do that to him, Master Bren." He pleaded with me.  
  
"Obi-Wan listen to me. I know how you feel about this. When Terran told me his idea, I reacted the same way you did. But I've had time to think about it now. If we let him know first what is going to happen, I think we can do this. He has to learn to trust the Force again. If he allows you to reach him through the it..."  
  
I watched as the boy's tired eyes searched for answers. Trying to determine what was best for Qui-Gon. He seemed to know how important he would be in this recovery. And he knew that Terran's idea was the right one.   
  
"When should we try it?" He said with deep sigh.  
  
"Not today. I want you feeling better before we try anything like that. I want you prepared for whatever his reaction might be. Okay?" Obi-Wan hung his head and nodded. This was wearing on him as much as it was on his master. I took his hand and squeezed it tight. "Hang in there, kid. It'll get better. One thing you and Qui-Gon share is a stubbornness that won't quit. That trait will do you both well in a time like this. We'll get through to him and you and he will be out roaming the galaxy again before you know it."  
  
A crooked smile crossed his face. One that was uniquely, Kenobi. An expression that never fails to make me laugh.   
  
In time, the three of us would all be laughing together again.  
  
~*~  
  
Once awake, Qui-Gon had spent much of that day on the balcony again. But he'd taken time to sit with Obi-Wan and show concern for the boy's well being. Still, he was distant.   
  
The following day he would be confronted with his fears.  
  
Qui-Gon sat on the couch next to his apprentice and I told him what would come next. Obi-Wan watched his reaction as I explained what was about to happen. He saw fear. He saw panic. But he also saw hope. And that was the encouragement he needed to send that first tendril through their bond.  
  
The initial touch. Immediately Qui-Gon withdrew and moved to the end of the couch. His breathing had just that quickly become short and panicked. Taking a few minutes, he found his control and calmed himself. I nodded to Obi-Wan to try again. The reaction was the same. But this time, his recovery time was a bit less. And a third time.   
  
Obi-Wan tried to reach Qui-Gon through words while he was settling. "Master, I don't want to hurt you. I know this is frightening and unnerving. But I want to help you trust again. The Force is not our enemy. It was used against you. It didn't turn against you. They just made you believe that. Trust me, Master. If nothing else, trust my words. The Force can comfort you. But you have to reach out to it. You can start by reaching out to me. I trust you with my life, Master. Can you trust me with your fears?"  
  
Deep breaths followed. Qui-Gon listened closely to every word. He nodded and whispered. "I will try, Padawan."  
  
Again Obi-Wan reached for the bond. I could see Qui-Gon began to retreat...then he stopped. He was allowing the touch. Despite panic trying to set in, he held onto Obi-Wan's words. Clung to them. As Obi-Wan continued, Qui-Gon was desperate to not let his mind give into the fears. He fought the urge to pull away. His face etched with determination.   
  
Obi-Wan gave me a questioning look. I knew what he was asking. Qui-Gon had allowed the small touches. How would he react to communication over the bond. He'd have to find some kind of trust in the Force in order to answer back.   
  
"Go ahead." I replied and held my breath to see what Qui-Gon's reaction would be.  
  
//Master...//  
  
I knew Obi-Wan had attempted it because Qui-Gon pulled back quickly and moved from the couch into the kitchen. To much to soon? I motioned to Obi-Wan to try again.  
  
//Master...//  
  
Qui-Gon was standing in the kitchen his arms braced on the counter. Confusion. Fear. Negative emotions filled the room. Obi-Wan refused to give up.  
  
//Master please...//  
  
He approached where Qui-Gon stood. Every step he took was slow. Non-threatening. Every action aimed at giving his master a chance to trust him. Eventually he came to stand next to the older Jedi and placed a hand on top of the larger one that was pressed against the counter. Qui-Gon didn't try to move his hand away.  
  
//Master, it's okay now. You can trust me. You can trust the Force.//  
  
The effort was taking it's toll on the younger Jedi. His slight body still weary with illness. He was improved, but his energy was limited.   
  
//Master. Trust me. Please. Reach back to me through the Force. See past your fears. Trust the Force.//  
  
With longer periods of silence, I knew Obi-Wan was talking to him. Quietly I encouraged him.  
  
//Please, Master. Please.//  
  
Then I saw it. A smile that lit up the boy's worried face. Fast, short breaths accompanied by soft laughter. Qui-Gon had reached back.  
  
//Obi-Wan...//  
  
//That's it, Master. I'm here. Follow me into the Force. I won't allow it to mislead you.//  
  
//I'm...scared, Obi-Wan.//  
  
//It's okay. I won't let you go. Stay with me, Master. Hold onto our bond. It's okay now.//  
  
Qui-Gon had back peddled to the corner of the kitchen. His eyes held those of his student's. I saw the silent communication passing between them. Relief washed over me.   
  
Obi-Wan moved out of the room and out onto the balcony. The area that had been Qui-Gon's refuge since he'd gotten home. He'd spent hour upon hour on that small deck watching the sun and the stars. Now Obi-Wan was hoping that he would share that place with him.   
  
//It's beautiful out here, Master. Come sit with me.//  
  
//Obi-Wan...//  
  
I was surprised when Qui-Gon stepped out onto the balcony and sat next to the apprentice. His entire body was tense. That much was easy to see. But he had found the ability to see past his fear and trust again. Another step.   
  
I didn't wish to intrude on what they had found. So I found a book and curled up into a chair. As much as I tried to pay attention to the pages in front of me, my eyes kept drifting away from them. The two forms silhouetted against the shadows of Coruscant's late evening held my attention. They sat in silence now, but I knew a breakthrough had been made.   
  
Another two hours passed before they came inside. Both exhausted. But a feeling of hope surrounded them. One that I could not only see, but feel as well. I couldn't help but smile at the pair.   
  
"Qui-Gon?"  
  
He moved closer and wrapped his arms around me. I still felt his uncertainty and fear, but the emotions were more controlled than before. A small bit of confidence had replaced part of those feelings. I knew then that things would get better, no matter how rocky the path that lay ahead. Qui-Gon didn't say anything to me. His actions spoke for him. Releasing me from the embrace, he walked over to Obi-Wan, cupped the boy's face in his hands for a moment and exchanged a look that spoke far more emotionally than words ever could. Obi-Wan smiled.   
  
//Thank you for trusting me, Master.//  
  
//Thank you...for caring, Obi-Wan.//  
  
Qui-Gon disappeared into his bedroom. Obi-Wan sat down across from me.   
  
"What do you think?" I was eager to find out what Obi-Wan had felt when he was able to communicate with his master over the bond.  
  
"He's still unsure. Still scared. But I think we broke through some of that. Gave him something to grab on to. Something he was desperate for. I let go of his mind several times so I could see how he responded when I tried again. Each time part of him pulled away, but it became easier to get him to relax each time. And he was wary about reaching back towards me, but he did. Not as much as I would have hoped though."  
  
"Slowly, Obi-Wan. Take things slow."  
  
"I know. I'm just...I'm worried about him."  
  
"Come on, you can worry in bed. You'll fall over soon if you don't get some sleep. You are still sick, in case you've forgotten."   
  
The slight gleam in his eyes amused me. As it always does. I've known Obi-Wan since just before his thirteenth birthday. And knew of him before that. He's grown so much since then. Been through the fire more times than I care to count. And I've caught myself being very protective of him at times. Very...parental. Learning from him and comforting him, I sometimes regret never having taken an apprentice of my own. I see with he and Qui-Gon, a bond that I've never had. A bond that I will never know. The events of the past days have made me realize that. But I think I have found my place.   
  
Even in his tired state, Obi-Wan could sense my sudden change in emotions. He got up from the chair and threw his arms around me. "Thank you for looking after us. Thank you for being there." He backed away and smiled. "I know. Bed. Sleep. Now."  
  
I shook my head, trying desperately not to laugh. Failing miserably at that attempt. Obi-Wan has always had a way of speaking from his heart and then breaking the emotion of the moment by saying something that catches me off guard. His ability to make me smile when I don't think it's possible, is uncanny.   
  
"Don't make me have to come and tuck you in," I joke before becoming a bit more solemn. "Sleep well, Obi-Wan."  
  
He turned an eye towards Qui-Gon's room. "If he needs me..."  
  
"I'll be here. But if he does, I'll wake you. I promise."  
  
A grinning nod and he disappeared into his room.  
  
~*~  
  
Qui-Gon did awake. A nightmare brought him out of the bedroom and into the common area where I was resting on the couch. He didn't say much, but I knew he was flustered. We sat together in silence.   
  
After a while I noticed a change in him. He settled. I heard him whisper Obi-Wan's name once, then close his eyes, lean his head back and let out a deep breath. Obi-Wan, still resting in his bedroom, had felt the fear across their bond and reached out to his master. Qui-Gon didn't pull back from the touch this time. He relaxed into it and accepted the comfort coming from his apprentice. Not a complete trust in the Force, but it was a complete trust in the one he was closest to. Little by little his fears were being stripped away. The Qui-Gon Jinn we knew and loved was in there somewhere. It would just take patience and support to find him again.   
  
This experience had changed him. And would continue to as he fought to find the grounded trust in the Force that he once had.   
  
I squeezed his hand. He returned the gesture. Eyes still closed. Face content. Fears suppressed for the time being.   
  
What lay ahead, I could not know. Nothing would come easy. Of that I was sure. Nothing has ever come easy for Qui-Gon. Things were always a struggle for him. With his stubborn and defiant nature, he always followed his own path. But it was a path that had been shown to him by the Force. It was the will of the Force as he often told me.   
  
Now, as he battles to regain all that he lost, I wonder where that path will take him next. And will he trust the Force enough to allow it to lead him as it did before.  
  
END  
  
15 


End file.
